


Shepard says fuck you internet

by Mewmewgirl612



Series: Marian Shepard Runs a Blog [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Diary/Journal, F/M, Kinda like a blog, One-sided female Shepard/Kaidan Alenko, Other, Shipping, Thoughts of one-sided relationship, lots of swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-08-24 05:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8359522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mewmewgirl612/pseuds/Mewmewgirl612
Summary: Shepard has set up a blog and mostly just swears a bunch. She doesn't have many followers but what she does have is the need to tell everyone everything!





	1. Assholes 1-3

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the idea that Shepard has a blog. Any spelling mistakes are intentional. Also yeah Shepard may sound kinda like a bitch the first few chapters because she doesn't know anyone really. She will also be less into the explain everything we did as we progress through the first game.

Our team grew in size today and I became a specter (cue awesome music). Everyone on the Normandy is treating me different now because Anderson gave me the ship. He's crazy I know, me in charge of the ship is a ridiculous thought. 

Although today has been super crazy. First we arrived on the Citadel and got yelled at by Udina the biggest asshole in the entire universe! That was until I saw Saren if I could have hated a Turian anymore I'd probably implode. Fuck turians well not all I have one on my team and I would rather not fuck him. He probably is a fuck face anyways. 

Anyways we got yelled at and then Kaidan, Ashley and I rode up to meet the council to testify against the second biggest asshole. When we made it to the top we ran into my new turian buddy his name is like Gary or something who knows. And we chatted until Kaidan Asshole number 3 today told us to shut the fuck up. Well not exactly but that's what I got. So I said Adieu to Garrison? And talked to the council. Then they decided that I need to find proof that asshole number 2 is an asshole. So then Anderson told me to talk to Barla Von or something and we did. The Volus told us that some stalker guy told him that we were coming and then pointed us towards some heavy artillery named Wrex. Kaidan also mentioned Gary again and we talked to some cop and they pointed us towards him. So we picked up Wrex from the station and saved Gary from dying he basically shot up a clinic and it was awesome he's a good shot. And we ran off to kill some club owner in order to find information on asshole number 2.

Cue fighting because we walked through the club doors and wow it was an ambush what a surprise. Garrus took out some guys while I held them back with my super biotic powers because fuck em. And Kaidan did his usual throw balls of energy at them. Ashley kinda held the line and Wrex the heavy artillery beat the shit out of them!!! So fucking cool. Anyways we left Wrex and Ash to hold the area so no fucktards came by while we took down Asshole 4. 

We get in there and me and Gary play good cop bad cop. Me being good cop. Gary is a mean bad cop. So we fuck up this guys place and then steal his shit then he tells us some chick is about to die. Her names like tally I don't fucking know I'll ask her later. So we save this bitch and she's so fucking grateful I think she might put out to one of us. Hopefully she gets I don't like boobs. But she might have some luck with Gary or Wrex who knows what aliens are like they could be freaks for all I know. 

 

So we get through all this shit and turn in the evidence for the council to not be able to do shit except give me the title of specter! And with my power I liberated my new group of friends and took the ship fuck yeah. Now we are all just messing around. I might go ask Gary what his name actually is and double check on tally now. I also need to check up on Kaidan who knows what's up with him he keeps complaining about headaches and he was on the mission where Johnson (I already forgot his fucking name he was brand new who gives a shit) died. Poor Johnson. Anyways I gotta go save the universe from Asshole number 2.

 

Your favorite author 

Marian Shepard (yes my mom was that much of a dick)


	2. So I Figured Out shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard learns names and might stop cursing?...not likely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What I've noticed is that this is pure crack. Also fuck this blew up fast and I was expecting the other story to. You never know with the internet I guess.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Okay so today we went go save some Doctor. Her name is Lira or something how the fuck should I know. Anyways I go down on the ground in my favorite vehicle with Tali (that's how you spell her name apparently how was I supposed to fucking know I just fucking met her) and Garrus (yeah not fucking Gary or whatever the hell I came up with his name is Garrus. And frankly he's not a fuck face past me) so go down and Garrus is once again voicing how fucking scared he is about me driving but I'm kinda like "Garrus if you want to save the universe from Saren and be the paragon of the Turians then you need to man the fuck up and let me fucking drive." And he is like whatever boss do your own shit I don't fucking care unless you kill us then we have a problem. He's kinda funny sometimes, I know. Tali just buckles in and looks around. She's such a fucking newbie. Anyways we drive around fighting things avoiding lava pits and what not. When finally it happens we come across the boss battle. I should stay out of old earth cinema and books. It's going to be the death of me. Boss battle it up.

So Garrus takes up my six and basically I put up a fucking shield to keep the big bullets off of us while he does his sniping the fuck out of everything super awesomely. Meanwhile our newbie friend Tali is sleeping in the corner (she got knocked the fuck out by one of the jumpy fucker things), and the battle wages on for a few minuets. Me and Garrus do our awesome commentary to each other and its not entirely awful. Once that shit is done we slap some medigel on each other while Tali wakes up. 

Wasting time we just sit and chat and seriously he's not a fuck face he just has a stick up his ass the size of a fucking tree. After 20 minuets Tali wakes up and after a brief check up we make our way inside the big ass mountain. Once inside there are more jumpy fuckers and I tell Tali to not faint and that gets a laugh out of her. After maybe a few hours of fighting we make it to the doctor who is behind a big ass shield. and I'm kinda like what the fuck why is there a giant as shield in ancient ass ruins? All the ruins on earth are old rocks and shit. After arguing with the bitchy blue doctor I decided to blow up the mountain. And it works..kinda? I don't know we did blow it up but we were inside and almost died. Garrus complained about that on the shuttle ride too. 

But before escaping said exploding mountain we had another boss battle because apparently nobody values life? It's at this point that I decided Tali might need more training before big important missions and I might just bring Wrex along next time. We fight the guy, get on the shuttle, and blast off to the Normandy! Daaa da da dadadaaaa! We survived.

When we get back we have our debriefing and for some fucking reason Kaidan is all "Are you okay? Were you hurt? I should come with you next time." like fuck off you aren't my handler Asshole 3. I still feel bad about...Johnson? So I gave him a nice smile and like "I'm good, and sure if you want you can come down next time." before looking over to the doctor and starting to figure out shit about asshole 2. 

She has nothing useful to say so I just tune her out until she wants some sort of fucking mind meld! We aren't in a fucking comic series what the fuck. Blue bitch has another thing coming because I'm noping the fuck away from her. Once debriefing is over I contact the council only for them to complain so I just hang up. Fuck em. 

I'm going to question the doctor and then maybe talk to Tali about no more ground missions till she finishes training with Kaidan. I feel bad about that put out comment last time because she seems nice just...naive. Anyways apparently I'm to talk to Mr. Stick up his ass sometimes but Marian out.


	3. I am Shit faced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I which, Shepard is really pissed at Liara for some reason and she's very drunk! Also She used big girl words.

Okay fuckers, today I did some shit I'm not proud of. Nothing. That's right I did nothing just sat around and talked to the group when we need to go after Asshole numero dos. Fuck you Udina. Anyways I talked to the crew today and we bonded? I have no fucking idea. I remember bits and pieces.

Basically we all got shit faced. And it was good for us. Break down our social barriers or whatever. They still don’t know about the blog and if any of you fuckers tell one of them well…see who’s gonna take down Saren. It won’t be me. And I already kidnapped the Paragon of the fucking Turians. It was interesting though.

So Kaidan is still upset like a baby about Johnson. And Ashley is spouting poetry or some shit? I have no idea they seem to find comfort in each other though. Good on em.

Tali is kinda cool today, she didn’t drink though…. can she? She mostly just read while we played cards. Also dextro food is gross by the way. Seriously ew it’s like they don’t understand seasonings.

Also Garrus is the typical cop that would go crooked to get the bad guy, but I’m with him on this. Who the fuck cares if some people could’ve gotten hurt at least this bastard wouldn't be mutilating people.

Wrex is still the same badass except apparently he murdered his family? Whatever the fuck that means.

Bitchy blue doctor named Liara seems to be a bitch. Okay not really shes all shy I’m just angry because fuck her. **WE** almost died to save her ass and she is not acting the proper “Wow people saved me.” Maybe she has something against Humans, Turians, Quarians, and Krogan. If so fuck her I can throw her off the ship see how long she lasts out there its not like she’s being useful unlike everyone else.

 Tali has managed to make the ship go even faster while Garrus is the repair guy for the fucking Mako because somebody… its not me its Garrus, keeps crashing it…totally Garrus. Fuck you internet. Ashley takes care of the guns, Wrex is menacing, and Kaidan…mourns Johnson I guess. He’s by my quarters a lot loitering (I hope that means what I think it does) I wonder what he does do…I’ll ask him later.

I think we are heading to Noveria next, After some planet exploring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m kinda shit faced right now. I wonder where Garrus is we were supposed to play chess…did he lie to me? That fucker is gonna die.

Shepard needs to go murder her crewmate bye internet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously find this the funniest thing, I always say if you aren't able to read your own writing then it isn't good.


	4. Sorry For Getting Depressing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard kinda gets a little serious for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, fair warning this is a serious chapter at least as serious as my Shepard can be. If you would like to skip that's all right. The following mission I referenced did put me off playing the game my first time around and honestly fuck that mission.

Why do I always call you fuckers? How about something nicer like idk shitheads? OH! Little baby muffins…Nah ya’ll are gonna stay fuckers. Also Garrus didn’t die. He got shit faced and passed out. Asshole missed our chess date. See who buys him some mods it won’t be me that’s for fucking sure. 

Anyways today I did shit, we went planet side because we heard some sort of distress signal. When we got there I just kinda drove around finding stuff with our scanner before coming across some little huts. Well I say huts more like trailers. But we looted the area and then drove some more. It was kinda nice to go out for a drive a bit. Things were pretty calm and me and Tali were talking about how her omni-tool got hacked when suddenly the ground started to shake. 

I almost shit myself with fear. It was truly terrifying. I quickly backed up and started speeding away while Wrex started yelling that we were being cowardly. But I thought to myself that it’ll be a cold day in hell when I fight another goddamn thresher maw. 

Sadly, hell must’ve frozen over because the damn thing caught up to us and knocked the Mako over and we had to scramble out to take the damn thing out on foot. I think I saw my life flash because one second I was shooting and throwing energy balls the next my face was coming into contact with the tail end of a thresher maw. 

I guess Wrex (Heavy Artillery) took it down on his own because I woke up in the medbay. Kaidan came by to make sure I was okay but I just shrugged him off. I really didn’t want to talk about my deep seated problems with him. Chawkwas told me I’m not allowed out so I just called everyone to the medbay for a debriefing. Liara tried to get really weird, Kaidan was strangely super worried, Wrex was laughing and joking around like always so that was nice. I really didn’t want anything to change just because I couldn’t handle a fucking thresher maw.

I felt good for a bit but Tali started to apologize saying its her fault. Way to make it all about you.

Ash felt the need to mother me. What am I five?

I was waiting for Garrus to say something snappy but he just hovered in the corner until everyone filed out. We chatted and I told him about what went down. He’s a good friend that’s for sure. At least that’s what I thought until he started to ram into me about how the Mako was broken once again. I’d like to see him avoid being murdered by a Thresher Maw. Fucking asshole. 

Maybe that’s why he’s my best friend because rather than worry like everyone else he knew when to take a step back. Whatever happens I’m going to help this shit head fight his demons.

Shepard out because Chawkwas is being a bitch about my stress and Wrex smuggled me alcohol.


	5. Adventures In A Cold Ass Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard adventures to Noveria, A probably two part chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little late, I forgot to pre-write yesterday because I was attempting to draw Garrus.

Sorry last time got so fucking serious. I was in a bad place but that doesn’t matter now. 

So today I showed up at Noveria with my best pals Garrus and Liara the blue bitch Doctor. Because Liara’s Mom was supposed meet here for some shit I don't remember Jesus Christ stop pestering me for details god dammit. 

When we got to the stupid station on the stupid ass cold ass planet these assholes stopped us from entering because they were "like bro there is no such thing as a human specter you lying piece of shit." 

But my bros totally had my back and threatened to beat the shit out of the fucking guards because fuck that noise.

But we didn't have to shoot anybody because some guard or something told them that I was the first human specter so fuck off bitch.

Anyways we went through that station, stopping to shoot up an apartment and swindle some guy into testifying against some asshole that was stealing money and shit. Fucking asshole he’s now on the list. So I got out of the stupid station and started making my way to another station to find Liara’s bitchy mom. 

So basically the whole trip is a goddamned mess like seriously it’s fucking idiotic home many fucking Geth are on this fucking planet! God I hate Geth. 

We made it to the stupid fucking station after ramming into the fucking death in my way and probably messing up the Mako, I started hearing Garrus’s complaints as soon as we got out of the Mako as he surveyed the damage making a clicking noise and glaring at me before his mandibles fluttered. I think that was a smile. I need to ask him to show me Turian body language. I don’t want to accidently upset him because I was being a bitch or something. 

We got inside and more fucking Geth were there and then there were some fucking scorpion ass shit. 

Fucking terrifying. Now Garrus started to complain about how fucking cold it was. Which means I probably should’ve added more heating coils to hit stupid suit so that he wouldn’t turn into a Turian popsicle. If Garrus died that’d be sad because everyone else on this goddamned ship is annoying except for Wrex. He’s the brother I always wanted. 

Anyways we had go through the stupid station only to continuously come across fucking scorpions. And then I had to reset the fucking station because the stations AI went out.

So I’m so fucking glad that Garrus knows shit about technology because he managed to hack the shit out of that AI and get her to tell us how to save that station.

We fixed everything and then got on the transport to get to the new station and find Liara’s bitchy mom. 

Now we are on the shuttle racing away to the new station. It’s kinda boring and nobody is attacking us for once which is a plus so me and Garrus have time to bullshit around until we get there. He’s mostly just complaining about the stupid fucking Mako he just keeps ramming it in. Asshole. And now he has fallen asleep…. I think… his eyes are closed if that counts. 

Liara is staring at me it’s kinda creepy. Well we are about to arrive to the next station so I got to wake up Garrus maybe unless he’s not sleeping. I’ll kick him in a second. 

Gotta blast, Shepard out.


	6. Noveria the conclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard finishes her Noveria story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I got grounded and I finally have my computer but I don't know for how much longer. While I still have it I'm going to be pre-writing for this story and my Dragon Age one. (Dragon age story has way longer chapters though. 
> 
> <3 
> 
> I'm also going to start replaying ME1 because if you couldn't tell I've been writing this from memory.

Now that we are off this godforsaken planet. I've decided that this was a shit show.

We got to the other side of the goddamned station only to encounter some people that were being weird. Like they were avoiding some pretty important topics and kinda looked on edge. Either way we talked to some Doctor and made a cure or something. Honestly you'll probably have to ask Liara because I don't even know what I did it was mostly clicking some buttons in a pattern. When we got back to the Doctor he told us some stuff before we went back upstairs to find Liara’s mom and then we found out everyone was a bad guy which really wasn’t surprising at this point. I was more worried about the cold to be honest!

Anyways we slaughtered everyone unfortunately and then went back through the area we just came from. We found a room quickly enough and came across the fucking scorpion things which I now know are the Rachni. You did a great fucking job with those you fucking bitch ass Krogan. If you have a problem with me come to my spaceship and let's throw the fuck down. Anyways we talked to Liaras mom whom is a bitch. Like wow I didn't know all Asari are bitches but whatever. (Honestly Liara isn't a bitch I'm just salty because she was fucking useless.)

We then start having to shoot the fuck out of some commandos. Honestly I just wanted to go home and play a Video game so I just sprayed and prayed with my barriers up. I probably would've died if it wasn't for Garrus being ever helpful behind my fucking barrier. Liara was in some sort of shock for the first few minutes before finally becoming useful and helped us beat the shit out of her mom. Then she finally died. While I was checking out her body some other bitch got up and tried to kill me this ain't no walking dead shit (How many people in this fucking galaxy has fucking watched that old ass show. Probably nobody, it’s about Zombies by the way.) She was talking and we found out she was being controlled by the Rachni Queen and she wanted us to set her free and then kill her brainwashed children. Obviously I agreed because she had fuck all to do with the war. (Fight me Krogan. I have more quads then any of you) 

We then went downstairs and totally wiped out the Rachni no thanks to the fucking Krogan because my heavy artillery was on our space ship. And then we headed back home. The ride was long but we just cracked jokes in order to lift Liaras spirits. She was still so bummed. I feel bad. I might make her some cookies! Wait I want to make everyone cookies since that trip was such shit. I wonder if the Internet has some dextro recipes. I don't want Garrus to catch on. What if he has an allergy!!! Shit. Maybe if I ask nicely Doctor Chawkwas will give me his files...

 

See  ya later,

Marian

P.s. I was serious about the Krogan fights. If anyone wants to throw down meet me at the citadel in 15 hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also noticed a drop in views after our first thresher maw attack. If anyone has any feedback on that to offer up I'd be very thankful.


	7. Leave Shit in the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard solves some shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how short it is, I kept thinking I already wrote this chapter but I can't find it anywhere on my comp so I had to rewrite what I could remember.

So I just finished the mission fuck it felt so long. People are literally the worse. Also, I noticed I had so many typos last time probably but who the fuck cares? Not me obviously. Anyways yeah I did end up making those cookies for Garrus after some very secret sleuthing to get his files from Dr. Chawkwas. I found out he’s not allergic to Leo food which is good but I still went out of my way to make Garrus some dextro cookies.  I think it went well…he didn’t die at least.

Anyways mission right. So we were on our way to Feros after our Noveria incident when we got a distress call. The ship was registered to a Dr. Heart so I decided to take Garrus and Wrex with me. It seemed like Wrex would have no moral problems with the hard justice we were going to put on this asshole.

We arrived on the ship to have it crawling with sick experiments and sadly we had to take down some people. When we finally got to the asshole he tried to play off his test subjects. After a quick confirmation from Garrus and the guy denying quite quickly how he was Dr. Saleon, I shot him right in the head. The sick bastard isn’t going to hurt anyone ever again. Wrex just grunted and then went around to search through the crates while I had a conversation with Garrus. It kinda went like this.

“So buddy how’s the feeling of closure?”

“Oddly, not as satisfying as I thought but I’m just glad we got the bastard.”

“See, what would’ve you done without me!”

“I probably wouldn’t be on a suicide mission right now”

I smacked him for that comment. Once again my friend was out for me fucking asshole I’m taking him on every Mako mission from now on. We made our way back to Wrex and helped with looting before making it back to the Normandy. Also on other news, my mother sent me an email. It contained great news. Like how she want’s meet up with me on the citadel next time we dock. I’m very excited, not really. I hope I can convince someone to join me on that mission. I’ll talk to Kaidan since he’s human she may not lash out.

 

Wish me luck!

Marian Shepard


	8. Off to the citadel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard find out that she must very well be blind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha remember I was freaking out because I could find this stupid chapter! 
> 
> I found it, I had to adjust it because of last chapter but it works.
> 
> I found it in my history textbook I think I almost screamed.

It's been a couple days now since Noveria and I still haven't gotten Liara to cheer up. She's all mopey and I don't know how to handle it. I asked Garrus about what I should do but apparently he's as inept about social interaction as I am.

She's still upset about the death of her mother and after that last post she came looking for comfort. I knew I shouldn't of made her cookies. I told her okay let's get the squad together and have a break but that must've been the wrong thing to say because she ran out after that. Now I just catch her giving me sad eyes! I don't know what to do!!!

I once again asked Garrus and he just gave me some knowing look and clucked his mouth at me. Asshole.

More news, I finally talked to Kaidan about his loitering while I was planning how to as him to go to the citadel with me. He was acting strange and then told me about his life. I listened for a bit but after I heard him talk about the stress of biotics like 4 times I decided to ask him about Ashley. He looked alarmed and said “She was none of my concern”

I was confused and asked if I was correct about my information on them dating.

He looked upset for a moment before saying they weren't and then stared at me. It got increasing incomfortable.

After finding that out I decided I have thought enough about the citadel and I won't be bringing him with me so he doesn't get the wrong idea so I flashed him a smile and went to see Chawkwas.

She told me that she was worried about Garrus because he wasn't sleeping so I rushed down and set his shit straight.

He just yelled “Shepard stop mothering me and smacking my shoulder while grumbling”

I laughed and then decided that to hell with my mom's comfort I'll need comfort and then invited Garrus to the citadel to meet mom.

He agreed.

I went then to check on Liara and she just said she was sorry for her outburst and she must of read too much into what I was saying and she hopes I'll be happy with Kaidan.

I was really confused so I asked her what she meant. She then told me I didn't have to spare her feelings when finally it clicked into place. I looked at her and then rushed out to my room. Then, sorry we just docked I gotta go see mom now.

I'll tell y’all more after the meet up,

Marian

 

 


	9. Meeting the asshole Mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard takes Garrus to meet her mom...and then gets thoroughly embarrassed by said mom.

Oh my god, whoever thought moms were great needs a reality check! I can’t believe her!

If anyone reading this stupid blog heard screaming last night, that was me.

Okay, so I’ll tell you what happened! First I introduced her to Garrus. I was like “Hi mom, look I brought a friend” -Insert me randomly pushing Garrus in front of me as a barrier-

SHE WOULDN’T SHAKE HIS HAND!

We stood there for 10 seconds with Garrus’ hand sticking out and she just stared at it. Awkward coughing may have happened but Garrus shook it off and pulled out a chair to sit in. I glared at my mom and then sat next to him grabbing a menu and looking at her pointedly. She sighed and also picked up her menu.

I may have discreetly apologized to Garrus and by discreetly I mean I loudly whispered in his ear that I am so pissed off that my mom is being this much of a dick.

He may have made that fluttery laugh noise, I may have squeaked, either way, it doesn’t matter. Well, at least it didn’t matter to us. Mom seemed to get slightly ticked off.

After a few minutes of awkwardness, I started to feel bad for dragging Garrus out here with me and I made myself a promise I would take him on the next ground mission and get him a new rifle mod.

Mom tried to make awkward small talk you know the usual “Hello dear how is work? Good! great.  Found a man? It's okay dear you will one day.”

Although the last question seemed to make Garrus laugh so I started to interrogate him. Which was a poor decision.

“Shepard are you telling me you didn’t notice Liara and Kaidan pining after you!” he said while laughing. I glared.

“Obviously not Garrus otherwise I wouldn’t have had to deal with Liara telling me she’s happy for me and Kaidan today before we left.” Direct quote, I did not freak out and start muttering under my breath. You can’t trust Turians with a visor and likes sniper rifles that much. They are huge fat liars.

Mom seemed to find our argument funny though and after that, she started to warm up to Garrus. I was very thankful until she said we reminded her of how she was with Dad! Way to make things weird mom. I’m pretty sure you can’t tell your daughter and her best friend that they remind you of your own relationship.

At least not without making the ride home with said best friend super awkward.

Now onto confronting the two hopelessly infatuated people on my ship. I don’t care how much they like me I don’t see myself in a relationship with anyone. Oh and you know the who save the galaxy plan....that's still in progress.

Recipe for Dextro cookies is going well by the way internet thanks for the input. (Huge amount of sarcasm)

I still hate you mother

Love,

Marian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I abandoned you lovely readers!!!!
> 
> The call for Mass Effect: Andromeda was too strong and now that I'm done (Actually I finished a few weeks ago but I then got sick and had a ton of catch up work in school ) I am fully on track for this story and Nightmare Mode Sucks. I really missed writing this story...it calms me somehow.


End file.
